Abusers can never stop trying to control

Court was a wreck.

The Public Defender showed up.  The Biter did not.  That’s correct.  He refused to leave his cell.  HE REFUSED.  And guess what?  He doesn’t get a contempt of court, he doesn’t get any kind of punishment.

I could tell my DA and Advocate were shocked.  No one saw this one coming.

And my other shocker:
The PD announced they were putting together paperwork for work release.

WHAT FUCKING HELL?

This is why we don’t heal, why we live traumatized.  HE COULD GET TIME SERVED AND GET OUT.  6 MONTHS IN JAIL.

5 DV charges, arrested 9 times in four years and you are telling me he might get time served?  He beat me 9 times in 8 weeks.  He threatened to kill me multiple times.  He tried the last time.  He BIT my face repeatedly and left not only a scar with perfect teeth marks, a dark circle of dead cells, but a droop to the left side of my face because he destroyed my skin.

So, a man can strangle me over and over, beat me repeatedly, disfigure me and you are trying to say he deserves work release?

No.   This cannot be even happening.

As someone who is living with panic attacks, fear, anxiety, I was in shock.  If he gets out, I will die.  He will kill me.

So, I went to the safe shelter because I was not feeling safe in anyway shape or form.  I slept on their couch for a couple of hours.

My friend was in town and we met for coffee.  She was equally shocked.

Then, The Cowboy invited me out for a little xmas party some organization was having.  It was mostly a bunch of old people and disabled people.  I sat alone at a table.  I did not want to talk to anyone.  I had zero interest in anything you had to say.  I did not care to know your name.

I did try to just be there.  With all the people and the noise.  It was hard.  I took an Ativan.  I had to fight in my head that every person there was going to either try to talk to me, or hit on me, or want to kill me.  Obviously, the first two are more realistic.  But, it is very difficult to not look at every person there as a true enemy of me.

If I didn’t know I WAS still in touch with reality and my friend told me she thinks everyone is out to kill her, I would think she is losing it upstairs.  But, that’s why I’m doing this.  These thoughts are enough to drive you over the edge.

These thoughts are irrational.  They make no sense.  But, I live with them everyday.  No one gets how awful it is in my head fighting invisible battles all day.  Well, I am sure there are others out there.  But, only I am in my head.

But, despite all the battles I fight daily, now, the fear is back.  He can be bonded out still.  It is Christmas time.  Someone may.  Next court is Jan 17.  If he goes to prison, I will be able to rest easy, until then, tho, I live waiting for that text that he is bonded out.  I will live in agony wondering if the judge will actually let him walk free.

There will be no healing for me for 6 more weeks.  I don’t want anyone to say I will still continue to heal because no I won’t.  I am going to prepare to save my life by getting a gun and taking a carry and conceal class.  I am going to get my affairs in order in case he does kill me.

I have no doubt in my mind that should he be released, he will obsess over me and will attack me.

THIS reality is why I fear the world, strangers, coworkers.  THIS reality will never let me heal.

Awakening – The first one

WOW.

Not sure how to describe what is happening to me.

Ok, let me start over.

This quest to face my fears, this fear of death, fear of living.  The two are seriously intertwined.  You fear living because you fear death.  Everything you achieve while alive just goes away when you die.  The anxiety around what happens to my shit when I die was really getting to me.

This started when my step-mom died and her treasures, her things, everything that mattered to her was sold in an auction to strangers because her son despised her and she despised my dad for the divorce and hence me for being part of the divorce.  We were not allowed to help.

It saddened me.

It affected me.

Fast forward to having space to work on me.  I stopped alot of social activities and have been staying home really battling some inner demons.  I had a few months of Anger and Boredom.  As we know, those are not actually the emotions.  Underneath Anger and Boredom are real deep seated emotions.

And Fear.

So, I have been really allowing myself to dig into all this.  I mean REALLY DIG IN.

I realized that my entire life has been lived under the shadow of trying to please my father.  50 years of feeling like I’m living my life, I mean, I made these choices, so it had to my life, right?  Confusing ideas.

Something really freed in me last night.  My boyfriend reacted very poorly to something I said in a heated argument and he has chosen to hang on to the 3 words I said and immediately regretted.  I had responded negatively to his negative comment.   He is choosing to hang onto to those few words and let it direct his life.  I have seen this before in him and myself.  His day is ruined now because he NEEDS that anger.  He needs to put himself down to make himself feel justified for feeling the way he does.  This is the first time I got to see this with my new eyes.

I’m doing what I can to help him, but ultimately, it’s his choice on how he handles everything.

And do you know how good that feels?  To know that I am truly not responsible for him today.  I have apologized for the not kind words I said last night.  It is also when I realized that fighting was not in me anymore.  It was like the last fight I will ever have.  Probably not true, but I can tell you, I realized this:

Fighting is only because you need to be right.  If you are arguing with another person, you are fighting to be right.  If you are fighting all alone (like the boyfriend), hanging onto to something that wasn’t real, you have to be fighting against your emotions or your bad thoughts.  I don’t know.  But, you are still fighting to be right.

I let it all go last night.  I don’t need to be right anymore.  I don’t need to be angry.  Not anymore.  Now that I realize what a gift living in this body is.  What a gift going to the gym is, writing, eating, smelling, laughing.  It will end, this life of mine.  It will end one day.

So, why the hell should I spend one more moment being angry?

Peace Out Friends