Last week, I started researching being bored. Really gave that alot of thought and found my energy level coming up as I started to understand why I’m bored.
Like an onion, that we really are, my fear of death became overwhelming clear as I grasped the concept of No Life Goals = Boredom. For some reason, that was the one that had the biggest impact to me.
But, back to this fear of death thing. It’s fucking real as fuck.
Ever since I can remember, I have been painfully aware that our time will end here. In my 20s, it was not such a big deal. In my 30s, I was too involved in raising a kid, being in an odd marriage, living a hectic life in San Jose, CA complete with downtown condo, homeless people and heroin park, aka Cesear Chavez Park. I had NO time to think about death, although it was always there, lingering like dust on your shelves. You see it, but don’t have time to deal with it.
Fast forward to Me nearing 50. Bring in the live-in boyfriend.
We have to talk about him for a second and you will understand why in a minute.
He is 10 years younger than me, but has lived more life than most people. He has not had an easy life in that he got a felony when he was 17 for punching a guy out and ended up in jail for 6 months. Our society RUINS people with felonies. He cannot get normal work like most of us even still today. This does something to a person. You learn to live outside the norm. THANK GOD FOR HIM.
He taught himself coding and used that skill to survive for 16 years. It’s still hard because when you only have a client or 2, you are on the edge of survival ALL THE TIME.
He got into drugs off and on. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. It makes all the sense in the world to me. I stay off drugs because I have a very responsible and very socially acceptable life. I fit in. He doesn’t.
OK OK, where I am going with all this? Because of his life choices and situations, he has a very unique attitude. One of freedom. Freedom from what most of us need to keep in order to keep our homes, our jobs aka FOLLOW THE RULES OR ELSE. He has been able to be himself with no repercussions. Because of this, he enjoys life in ways I never saw anyone. He is also damaged because he knows society does not approve of you.
He is also the first boyfriend that gave me so much freedom to be me without pressures of stalking or I’m here now, pay attention only to me and let’s get high or drunk. He is so focused on his skills and making some cool web shit that he doesn’t have time to be worrying about me. I finally could start digging into those things I have been hanging onto.
And it’s working. During the last 6 months with him, I kicked out a very bad roommate, got the best raise EVER, the biggest bonus ever, more kudoos at work than ever before, refi’d my house to pull the equity out, stopped alot of bad habits and have found a personal strength I never had before.
And all this led to my fear of death. It makes sense. For the first time in my life, I am accomplishing more than ever and it’s fucking scary as fuck and I found myself obsessing about what would happen if he died? Ever day I wake up thinking about what happens when I die? These thoughts started taking over all my thoughts and although, I have remained very productive, it was overshadowed with this HUGE black cloud.
And I became bored.
Why bothering really trying when at the end of the day, I will no longer exist? Why am I even here? The questions were paralyzing. This fear of death was the true cause of my boredom.
I read about near death/death experiences. I read blogs on how others tackled this fear. I walked away with a few thoughts:
1 – How can you fear something that no one really knows about?
2 – Every person who had a fear of death and overcame it, became free. All of them said that their creativity began to blossom and grow so fast they didn’t even know what to do with it all! OK, I may have over-exaggerated that last part, but you get the idea: LIFE CHANGING.
3 – In order to overcome your fear of death, you have to mentally die. You HAVE to walk the path of Imagine you died. Imagine your family, friends, your stuff. This is part of the fear. I worked so hard for all these things!!
4 – Fear of death is very similar to the phrase: I don’t have enough time.
I recently made a decision to STOP saying I don’t have enough time in the day. It was hard. I was feeling so overwhelmed with all the things I have to do. It was paralyzing me. I realized that the fear of death was doing the EXACT SAME THING.
I wasn’t enjoying my day at all, because why? I wasn’t enjoying working and doing things because, well, why bother? I’m just going to die.
Ok, what if I don’t die for 40 more years? Am I really going to have to deal with these death thoughts for 40 years x 365 days? OMG. That alone is enough to make you want to blow your brains out.
I decided I have had enough.
We weren’t here before we were born. We can’t expect to stay here forever. If we all lived in these bodies forever, WTF? The same people forever on this planet, never dying. When you think about that, it really doesn’t make sense that we live forever in these bodies.
One blogger wrote that death doesn’t mean it’s an end, it’s a change. AND WHAT DO MANY OF US FEAR? CHANGE!
People with near death experiences who were clinically dead, say that they experienced a sense of peace and darkness. Not a scary darkness, but more of like you are in a warm blanket of security. The darkness makes sense. We see colors with our eyes. Without eyes, we see darkness but there are lots of other sensations. This makes me think that without bodies, we could be in a different state of existence where vision is not real and that’s it’s not scary because our natural state of being is not being tied to a body. We love our bodies and our things. It’s almost like it’s a trap meant to keep us from enjoying life with the knowledge that at the end of the day, we lose EVERYTHING we worked so hard to get.
Whether it’s true or not, the fact is that we will transition from this life to something else and no one knows, so why fear it?
What has this done for me?
I can honestly say, it has already changed me. I started an anonymous twitter account to finally be free to speak as I want to speak, to talk about topics that I want to talk about without the friends/family connection FB makes. You just CAN’T be free on FB especially if you have co-workers. How many people have been fired from their jobs for inappropriate posts? I have lived in a bounded life controlled by society norms and FEAR.
I started this account and within 12 hours had 31 followers. HOLY SHIT. I have more followers in 12 hours on that twitter account than all my other twitter accounts combined together.
One final thought from one of the blogs I read. When he really let go of Fear of Death, he started appreciating the here and now. He found himself enjoying his day WAY MORE than ever in his life.
I am experiencing the same thing. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now without guilt that I am not doing the things I’m supposed to be doing. (Like what? What am I supposed to be doing??) And that is why Fear of Death is just like “I don’t have enough time.” When your whole focus is on that you don’t have enough time in the day, the week, or your life, you are racing against an invisible clock and you will do the things you must instead of the things you enjoy. And the things you must do, will be burdened with “this is stopping me from living my life”.
In the last 24-48 hours, I have accomplished more than in the last month. SERIOUSLY. Because I suddenly fucking love everything I’m doing and I don’t feel like I’m racing against the clock. I suddenly don’t care of this clock. I suddenly am just enjoying being alive in this body and in this life I have chosen.
And, I decided that I want to write for a living and that I love social media. And that is exactly what I want to be doing.
Peace out friends.