A few weeks ago, I posted up about an amazing journey into confronting my Fear of Death and the subsequent Awakening I experienced.
On 2/18 – I posted about confronting the Fear of Death.
On 2/28 – I posted about an awakening.
Here we are on 3/15 and this is what has happened.
I have continued to explore how my father has had such an impact on my life and right now it breaks down into two areas: My childhood and my adult life.
I didn’t have a horrible childhood as far as I can remember. However, I spent all my time as a child looking for approval from my dad. Somehow, this approval seeking behavior carried over into my adulthood, which has it good and bad benefits.
I started playing the piano and drawing and writing at a very early age, let’s say 4. However, my father never seemed to be interested in these activities. So, as I got older, I joined softball and bowling leagues. My dad happily stepped in as a coach. He never seemed to like my piano playing and so I took up the flute and joined a band. My dad was a sax player in high school and so I must of thought as a child that a wind instrument would be more pleasing to my dad. I was 1st chair nearly my whole 6 years, but my dad was still not interested. I eventually gave up band in 8th grade, when I began my hard core rebellion years.
I now understand my rebellion years were about breaking free of my quest for approval from my dad by doing everything bad to hurt him. I can honestly say I was awful from 13 to 17. A nightmare teenager.
During these reflections, I have come to see that when I transitioned from child to adult, I continued the negative self talk I had developed to validate why my father was never proud of me and continued to suppress my creative musical, artistic and writing side of me. Whenever, I would journey into one of these areas, I would remind myself that it’s just a hobby, I’m never going to be good enough. Any education I would dabble in, I would remind myself that it’s a waste of time because I’m never going to be good enough.
These are not my words. They are words I put into place to explain why my father never seemed to be proud of me.
So what has happened since 2/28?
I heard my music for the first time. I was playing a Sonatina. A piece I have been playing for 40 years. I finally FELT the must. I heard the story behind the music. I was amazed and overwhelmed.
I can hear the sounds in the background music on tv shows. How simple it is. How I could do that.
I spent 5K on a keyboard setup with studio speakers. My boyfriend says what he hears me play from my inner soul is amazing. And, I can say, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I have music that comes out of my hands. I want to study music finally. At 50. I want to learn the harder chords, how does one create reggae or how does one create a song? I want to know now.
I feel like I’m 4 again.
I feel like I have a 2nd chance at my true purpose. I feel like I am reconnecting with my purpose.
What are the side effects of all this?
- I’m doing what I want to do. (Result of confronting Fear of Death)
- I’ve let go of the negative self-talk about my artistic side (Result of Awakening)
- I spent 5K (Result of Starting My Life)
- I’m happier than I have ever been. I’m not stressing about work nearly as much. I find myself letting go of obsessing about the unfinished tasks and embracing my new found love of my music again.
- I’m focusing on doing what I want because I want to and it’s working. Things are getting easier to confront and handle. The more I let go, the more the past is becoming visible to me again. I can see moments where the actions of my father created certain feelings within me.
I was such an insecure little girl. I sucked my thumb and wet the bed until 7th grade. That certainly didn’t help my insecurities. I am starting to understand why I was so insecure. I am understanding how my entire life has been truly controlled by my quest for my father to love me.
He may love me, but he doesn’t even know my son’s last name.
He may love me, but he can’t say he’s proud of me.
He may love the person who he says is his daughter, but he doesn’t love ME.
Peace out my friends.