Writing, ADHD, and Goals

The three things that drive me mad

Wow – it has been 2 years


My last entry was April 2016.  Nearly two years ago.  TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO.


2016 sucked.  That is what happened.

It took all of 2017 and a new man in my life to help me recover.

May 2016:
Restraining order against my boyfriend of 5 years.   He had stalking problems and then when it was clear the relationship was heading towards IT’S FUCKING OVER like 8 months ago, he threatened to harm me.  Considering he had killed a family pet during his marriage…well, I wasn’t going to take any chances that he would continue to stalk me and do harm to my pets.

July 2016:
My son moved out.  WOW.  Who knew empty nest syndrome could be SO unsettling to your entire existence.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I WANTED him to go.  Be free! Be Free!!!  But, it was much harder than I thought.

Aug 2016:
A nasty person at work and unfortunately on my team, coupled with a tech lead who wanted to be the Project manager coupled with a new manager looking to make his mark all equaled a bunch of lies and a threat of HR…on me.  The new manager fueled the fire, backstabbed the group he is part of and encouraged this person to go to HR on me and the entire team.   On lies.  Yes, truly lies.  I was so shocked by the fact that I was removed as project manager with ZERO knowledge that something was wrong.  Shocked that management would do this on lies with no discussion with the team.  At the end of the day, management admitted they USED ME AS A SCAPE GOAT.  WTF.

In the end, the bad people got what they deserved.  Her boss was FIRED.  And she was encouraged to leave.

ME??  I was moved into a whole new department and have been doing great ever since.

However, it took about 4 months of doing nothing but hating my job, not trusting ANYONE where I worked and getting extremely high with an asshole for 4 months.   Ok, I didn’t KNOW he was an asshole at the time.  I was too emotionally devasted to notice anything.  (He had a little prostitute, gun, drug problem.  He wasn’t sleeping with them, he just thought he was their fucking pimp.  Seriously.  I’m so not joking.  Come to find out, he had been hiding guns in my house.  WTF.)

Sept 2016:  A friend died

Nov 2016:  My uncle died.

So, by the time December came around, I just couldn’t wait for the year to end.


Dumped the ugly old man I thought had my friend.
Took on the new role officially at work project managing hardware for our department.  I love it, BTW.  However, a year later, getting a bit bored.  We will talk more about that another time.

Met the love of my life.  Seriously.  July 3rd, 2017, this guy walks up to me and for a moment through my drunken haze, I saw an angel.  He moved in and it has become the most incredible relationship ever.  I know, it’s so sad that I won’t have any relationship drama to vomit all over the internet.  SO SAD.

I have never had such a loving man in my life.  He built me back up.  He tells me how amazing I am everyday.  He repaired all the damage from the Ugly Old Man.  He repaired the trust from the Stalker.  He is smart, talented, creative beyond belief.  And, my perfect sexual partner.  We hug and kiss each other alot, every day.  We say kind words to each other (not so much in a fight, we fight ugly), but those fights helped us work through nearly every piece of baggage.

I wanted to quit.  He wouldn’t let us.  And now?

2018 – Here we are!!!!
I refi’d my house.  THANK YOU POT for increasing everyone’s home value!  Not sure what I am doing with the money, have some ideas, just knowing though, that I can do something to improve my financial situation is HUGE.

Him and I have started a business together.  Well, it was his consulting business that has helped him stay afloat for 16 years, but now, he has a home base.  I want to get out of the corporate soul sucking world I live in so I am his marketing director.  I am having so much fun!!

Well, I will save my ADHD experience updates for another blog post.  Just wanted to reconnect with the internet…….

Happy 2018 friends.

Peace Out.


Procrastination and it’s not just for people with ADHD

Wow, had not realized 3 months have gone between my last post!!!  I feel like life is screaming by so fast, I barely have time to reflect anymore.  (note to self:  need to fix this!)

I found this TED talk on Procrastination and I really liked what this guy said:
Ted Talk – Procrastination (worth a watch).

So, I have a confession:  I have been lying to myself about procrastination.  Yes.  I have been lying.

I have been lying because I know a procrastinator who is way worse than me about things.  Thanks to being ADHD, I do actually manage to have alot of interesting things going on.

But, these things are not making me so happy anymore.  I continue to put alot of effort into my job, but reality is that it’s not actually netting me more money.  And that, my dears, is insanity.

So, I watch this TED talk, mostly for the Boyfriend of course, and realize that I was missing a key part of what procrastination is.

I always looked at procrastination as not making any effort at all (he does actually say that in his talk) and then, suddenly you panic.

I don’t actually exist that way.  I rarely have panic moments.  I do plan out work and accomplish things usually timely.  But, what he talked about was procrastination without deadlines.  DAMN.  That hit a nerve.

I have often recognized within myself that if I don’t have deadlines, I don’t tend to really accomplish anything.  Work has deadlines.  That makes it easy.  Miss deadlines, get fired.  Pretty much a no-brainer.  Ok, so goody.  Now, we have a name for this.  Procrastination.

What he didn’t go into was anyway to address it.  UGH.  He still struggles with procrastination.  So, no help there.

But, what do we do?  How do we deal with things that don’t have deadlines and drive us from fear of embarrassment or getting fired?  Where is the pressure in our personal lives to make these things happen?

I know I feel this way ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  Here are my 10 things I want to accomplish in my personal life that has no deadline at all.  Oh, I want to do these things today.  I can start the other stuff tomorrow.  And, in my own defense, sometimes I really do start those things, but maybe in a few months when I have time.  I have struggled ALOT with how to force myself to do the things in my life that have no deadlines.

Good news is that I’m far from alone.
Bad news is that I still don’t know how to fix this.

If anyone has some proven techniques, please share!
Peace out.

Welcome to 2016 – you better be good and Rituals for Living Dream Book

This is my 47th New Year.  I don’t remember the early years, but here we are again.

Making resolutions again.

Making commitments that I will be better, I will get more done, I will be blah blah blah

One more month later, goals, dreams, visions forgotten.  GOD.  I hate this cycle SO much.

But, I really mean it this year.  It’s been 4 years now that I have been embracing my super ADHD powers and I can honestly say that each year has seen personal growth that I never dreamed of achieving.

HOWEVER, I am still working the man, still living paycheck to paycheck.  If I was so damn successful in my personal life, I would not be living paycheck to paycheck.  I am tired of bending over and accepting my beating called “thank you master for my paycheck to get me through the next two weeks of my life”.

So, I found this book:  Rituals for Living Dream Book

WOW.  I have done a ton of these, of course.  I’m ADHD.  I live for this shit.  But, this one is truly different.  It approaches goals and dreams differently.  It’s subtle in how it gets you to think.  As you work through the questions, I find that my mind begins thinking about things differently.

For example, I was able to identify a more realistic timeline for my dreams that felt good and took the pressure off my brain, which was telling me I’m failing because it’s not happening NOW.

It also made me realize how much I still have to grow.

Once you get through the questions, there are pages upon pages to help you break these goals down in a way I have never quite seen done.  I’m pretty excited to get through this process and see if maybe this year, I will actually make some significant progress in my personal life.

If you buy this book, let me know how you like it.  I’m curious if others have similar reactions.

Peace out friends.


I’m an introvert and proud of it

Someone asked me at work a couple of weeks ago, “So, what are you going to be doing on your 3 weeks of vacation?  Going somewhere?”  I said, “HELL NO!!!  I am staying at home and reconnecting with myself.  I need some serious downtime.”

She said, have you ever considered that you might be an introvert?  I said, WTF?  I’m the most social person I know, LOL.  She said that you would be surprised what the definition is.

So, using my wonderful ADHD powers, I have researched this and lo and behold, I am an introvert!!  It helps explain that last little bit about me that never quite made sense over the last few years.

Is it because of the job and it’s increasing responsibilities?  Is it because I finally figured out that I am ADHD only 4 years ago?  Is it because of the internet and the constant need to explore every idea in my head?  Am I just weird?

I don’t know, but learning this has helped me immensely be more comfortable with my need to be alone.  My boyfriend is not like me.  He needs to be around people, gets lonely when alone.  I can’t get enough of it.  Every week, month and year seems to be worse as my mind grows with the challenges of my job and the ever growing online world.


I had made a new friend not so long ago.  We got along great!  Some weeks go by and she texts me and says, “I thought you would have wanted to see me and I thought we would have been spending more time together.”  Now, when I met her, I did tell her that I need alot of alone time.  I don’t think she got it and she took as I didn’t want to be around her.  Truth is that I am not going to reach out to you because I have so many projects to do at home!!  So many challenges to tackle in my job!

I think the combo of being an introvert and ADHD is either the worst or best combo…on the fence.

If you are an introvert, I found this page a good read.

People Talking about being an introvert

The parts about not being able to start a conversation is not true for me because I am so interested in other people.  The part about small talk, VERY TRUE.  I will quickly stop talking to you if the conversation doesn’t get a little deeper than “check out that weather, how about those Broncos?”

Anyway, I wanted to formally announce to the virtual world that I am an introverted ADHD woman and proud of me for sticking to what is true for me.

Peace out friends and Merry Christmas/Happy New Year!



New plan of attack to change my life

There was an incident at work in which I finally realized (AGAIN) that corporate life is NOT really where I want to end up in my old age.  It is true that a steady paycheck is comforting.  It is true that having someone manage your health insurance is also comforting.  But, is this how I want to live my life? Living in my comfort zone??  HELL NO.

So, last week I implemented a new plan.  I was successful one week and totally sucked it this week.  But, the success from the 1st week was so huge!!!  So, I’m putting it into play again this week. And yes, I’m going to tell you all about it.

1st – The thoughts that helped create the new plan

Sleep.  I suddenly (why the hell is it always suddenly we realized) realized that I was trying to go to bed early in hopes of getting up earlier.  What was happening was laying in bed for hours and still waking up at my same time.  Here is reality:  my clock is definitely a late nighter.  I confirmed this when unemployed for 6 months.  I love being up until 3am and getting up by 9:30 the next day.  Truly ideal.  NOT workable entirely in a corporate environment.  So, I decided to compromise.  I push myself to get no more than 6 hours of sleep.  Yes, it was rough, but I was SUPER productive more than any other week!  I did get really tired by Thursday.

The article I read in which another successful ADDer said, we just have to learn to push through the boring tasks or the tasks that require us to sit down and purposely focus.  OK.  I gave this a shot. Yes, it is fucking hard sometimes to say OK, I’m going to do this research or look for this.  But, I forced myself with my extra hours.  It worked.  No, really.  It did.

The Plan

I keep a notebook and post it notes with me all the time.
The notebook for downloading random useless thoughts that swirl me up.
The post its for my to do.
I broke the post its into categories:  easy to do chores, tougher not regular chores, my new path to get out of the corporate world, areas of growth (like doing my photoshop lessons), things to nag the boyfriend about, things to fix on the cars, things to finish in the house.

Now, I did not finish all the things, but I reviewed these gazillion of lists daily and wow, did it work!!  I seriously nailed this the other week.

The Contemplation

Why did I bomb out this week?  Not only did I bomb out, but the weirdest random shit went wrong (lost my coffee cup at work, spilt coffee all over my desk and purse, ordered a present for the boyfriend and it totally failed, people drove really slow).  Why the hell did so many weird things fail in my life after my super incredibly successful week?

I honestly do not have any answer to this.  I would love your ideas on why this happens.

So, off to my plan again!

Peace out internet friends.

As the ADHD drama leaves, I feel squirmy

Maybe it’s blogging about it, maybe it’s my age, maybe my profession, maybe it’s being with someone who is SO not ADHD or maybe it is simply a combination of all of these, but something is definitely changing.  For the better, I have to tell my spazoid ADHD brain.

Over the last few months, I have found myself increasingly in a strange place.  A place that is not wholly familiar to me.  A certain calmness has been creeping into my life.  Firefighting, both work and personal, is disappearing.  Things are more organized than ever.  The house is feeling complete as the projects are finishing.  At work, as my role dramatically changed, I’m not chasing things all the time, I’m supposed to be planning more.

AND that is what is getting to me.  I have the capacity to be doing MORE of what I always believed I could be doing.  Suddenly, my motivation, (ok, maybe not suddenly, maybe more like slowly creeping into my life daily for months until I could not ignore it any longer type of suddenly) was gone.  I’m finally living what I would imagine a more normal and sane life and suddenly, I can’t seem to do anything but stare at the tv every night.  For about 2 months.

The good news is that I totally caught up on EVERY single show I ever wanted to binge watch.  The bad news is I found my old friend depression coming back to hold my hand every night and morning.

So, the boyfriend let me talk this out.  I couldn’t take this blah life I was living.  No drama, everything so smooth.  Life has become easy.  Even him and I seem to be getting along better.  I knew that this was the right direction, but why did it feel so awful?

Try googling this problem.  It’s difficult to even put it into words let alone find an AHDH blog that addresses this.  All the AHDH blogs and websites tell you all about how to get here, none of them address what to do when you do get there.

When I first figured out I was ADHD, I naturally spent hours researching this.  I found this great list of 50 tips on the management of ADHD (don’t have a link to it, weirdly, I printed it off).  On this list, is this statement:  Accept fear of things going well.  Accept edginess when things are too easy, when there’s not conflict.  Don’t gum things up just to make them more stimulating.


That felt all too familiar.  But, there is nothing there to help you stay here.

So, after googling around, I found this guy:
Productivity and ADHD – Jeff Strong

He doesn’t talk much about his ADHD, but this link was surprisingly appropriate for where I am at.  Aside from a ton of good thinking information, the main theme of his blog (to me) was this:  PUSH YOUR DAMN ADHD MIND THROUGH IT.  Ugh.  I worked so hard to get here.  To feel that things in my life were in control on all fronts, only to get to this and find out that I am in for the hardest road yet.  I either move through this and it’s gonna suck at times, or do nothing and eventually the depression and lack of motivation will take over and the fires will return.

But, he is right.  The tasks that I have now require more of sit down and do them.  FOR AN HOUR.  fuuuuucccckkkkkk.  There is a big part of me that is screaming at the top of it’s lungs to run away from this.  There is a bigger, more grown-up part that knows IF I can do this, it will change me forever.  I will grow like never before.

Oddly, that still scares me, I can feel the anxiety building.  The voices that say “don’t bother” trying to work me up.  But, there are new voices.  Voices that say, You can do this.  You worked hard to get to a place where your day, week, and month was not wasted on fire fighting.  I am finally at a place where I THINK I will be able to look back over the month and say, DAMN, look at what I accomplished.

Crossing fingers.

Happify, Scott Dinsmore and what I want from life

One day, while surfing around the internet, I ran across this site called Happify.com.  I did a few of the free things and then, BAM, they wanted my money.  OF COURSE.  I’m 47 years old and am still SHOCKED when this happens.  So, I close the browser window and said to myself, “Screw that.”

But, of course, they kept sending me emails.  OF COURSE THEY DID THAT.

I got a bit more curious for two reasons:  1 – my job, my life, and my relationship are all dragging me down.  2 – It’s my fault these things are dragging me down.

So, I thought, “OK, let’s pay the $50.  It’s cheaper than therapy and I can do it on my time, not a therapist time.”  If it doesn’t work, well, that was 10 beers I didn’t drink.

2 day report is that I like what they are doing.

In today’s email came this Ted lecture:
How to find work you love
By Scott Dinsmore who apparently just died last week.

WEIRD.  Death by Boulder.
How the hell does that happen to anyone and you have to think that if he had been slower or faster on that mountain, death by boulder would not have happened.  Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that it was his time and his life had been fulfilled with a purpose realized.

Then, I worry if that is true, once we realize and fulfill our purpose, we die?  EWWW.  FUCK THAT.  But, wait, I don’t want to fuck it.  I want to find my life purpose and fulfill it.

In his lecture, he touches upon something I have not only preached to others (part 1 of the something) but hit a bigger nerve that I have been struggling with.

Part 1 – surround yourself with the right people.  So, I learned along time ago that we tend to find friends that mirror our negative.  Ex:  you are lazy.  You will find friends who are lazy too and make is SO DAMN EASY to be lazy.  I also know that in order to surround yourself with a non lazy friend, you need to be bringing something to the table so they want to hang out with you.  Hence, his many comments about finding you first.

That leads me to the 2nd part – my private struggle which I have never really chosen to talk about so openly.  I used to have a ton of friends, but I realized that nearly every single one of them mirrored my negative.  Slowly, I pulled away from them but I never spent the time reconnecting with myself to bring in new friends.  I guess part of me was afraid.  Afraid of the mirror.

Don’t get me wrong, I make friends wherever I go but I don’t encourage those relationships for two reasons which this video helped me see the 2nd reason that I could not articulate well.

1 – the mirror.  Yes, afraid of mirror, covered that.
2 – I haven’t figured out what I’m looking for yet.

This second thing brought it home for me today.  I have not found those friends I feel like I am looking for because I, myself, am still not sure what I’m looking for.  I finally see that somewhat unconsciously, I have avoided friends because I don’t know what I’m looking for and it’s easier to change your path when you don’t have a bunch of close connections.  (Again, I am loved and adored at work and places I frequent, I just don’t get too connected).  Side note:  why am I so defensive about not having close friends?  I think because people think I have a ton of friends.  I don’t want them to know the truth.

Interestingly enough, one of the reasons I joined the happify.com is to begin developing those connections again with confidence, not fear.  Good job Happify. You just earned your $50 and saved me from 18 sessions with a therapist.

So, now what? I’m not sure.  But, opening your eyes is half the battle.

Peace out friends.

Great Visual for our ADHD mind and Yea for Number 11

I saw this post come up on Facebook the other day and loved it!  I felt like it really captured what we go through with the most simplistic graphics.

Cool Article on Buzzfeed

As I read through the article, there was one of the 17 that caught my eye:  Number 11

Number 11 says:
When it comes to organization, you’re usually hanging at one end of the extreme or the other.

Why this struck me was because more often than not, I read how disorganized we are supposed to be.  I read what a mess we are!  We are an organizational disaster!

But I’m not.

When I read Number 11, I felt such relief to know that my obsession with organization was NORMAL!!!  YES!  I am Normal!!
I seriously thought I was a weird oddity in the ADHD world.  No, really I did.

Then, I have to wonder why.  Why am I so obsessed with organization?  The 2nd question is why isn’t everyone obsessed with organization?

But, I do know why I’m driven to be fully 100% organized both in the physical and virtual worlds.

Many years ago, before I knew I was ADHD, I had already begun implementing some habits that saved my ass more than once.  For example:  keys.  Yes, yes, I know many non ADHD people have this problem.  But, this is a real problem for us.  If I do not set my keys down in the same place everyday, I literally can’t find them.  Sometimes for 30 minutes.  HORRIFYING.  That was a habit that got implemented many years ago.  SADLY, I still do this to myself.  I have a key spot and a key hanging spot, both close to each other.  Yet, I fail to return my keys there at least once a week.  WHAT the HELL is wrong with me?  Oh, yea, I’m ADHD.   HA HA HA.

Ok, so besides the attempt to reduce horrifying lost key moments, why else do I obsess?  Clutter.  It really comes down to clutter and out of sight, out of mind.

Because we have a gazillion projects to do before we die, we have to have lots of stuff around to do those projects.  But, if all that stuff is everywhere, I go wacko and depression starts to hit.  Once things have a home, I don’t need to think about them anymore.  When they don’t have a home, I become obsessed with finding them a home.

This applies to my virtual world.  If you remember, last Christmas I spent the entire two weeks getting rid of my paper and turning everything into a virtual document. WOW did that feel good.

I subscribe to Office365 for $7/month and that gets me the latest and greatest Microsoft updates and 1TB of OneDrive storage.  HELLO!  That is awesome!!!  Of course, I have barely touched the 1TB, but still. It’s just cool to have it.  And, of course, includes my all time fave:  OneNote.  Between Evernote and OneNote, my life feels complete.

To keep my calendar sanity, everything goes into my google calendar and I send invites to the Boyfriend so he knows where we are supposed to be too.  I set at least 2 reminders for each event.  And yes, I still panic when I think I have forgotten about an event, that yes, has been successfully stored.

So, back to why I went into all that detail.  When things aren’t in their place, I can’t find things.  I stress.  I get depressed.  I have learned that my survival depends on the organization.  Yes, I need my labels to the front.  Yes, I have to organize my cupboards by type of food.  Everything always goes into the same place in the fridge.  YES, it has to be that way.

My mind has way too much potential to be cluttered up with WHERE THE HELL DID I PUT MY KEYS?  We have powerful smart brains that have so many good ideas.  We do not need to take up our energy and time worrying about where everything is.  FREE yourself and let your beautiful ADHD brain go free.

Peace out friends.

Windows 10 HAD to have been made by ADHD people

I am in love with Windows 10.

It took a little bit to understand all the new features and changes, but my two favorite things are:  Desktops and Cortana.

Yes, of course, I have the virtual chick on my phone and tablet.  But, I’m not always thinking about that device when I am busy on my desktop or laptop.  I have been using Cortana to set reminders to keep me from going into too much into hyperfocus, which we all know is too easy to do and too fun.  It’s the crash I hate.

By setting reminders to get me up and walking around or doing something else, it is helping me stay focused without going full on Hyperfocus Mode.  Although, I totally forgot to set a reminder last night and spent 3 hours making a calendar, lost track of time and realized I forgot to eat and it was 9:30.  Oops.  Thank goodness I couldn’t sleep until 3am.

The other thing I am loving it is the multiple desktop feature.  I can open up all my apps like I like to do, but separate them into categories and just toggle between my desktops.  WHY is this so damn helpful?  Because I can keep my email open, yet out of sight!

Ok, if you are not ADHD, you might say, why not just not open it?  ACK!!  Seriously?  That is not even an option.  I like to have everything open.  I have to have everything open.  It feels like a waste of time shutting down and reopening apps or applications.  SCREW THAT.

Windows 10 has now taken me to a place that I never knew was possible.

Without that annoying little “I got mail” icon, I can focus even better!!

Yes, I am in love.

That’s all I had to say today.

Peace out internet friends.

WHY do we have to crash after hyperfocus?


I knew it was coming.  I even told people at work.  I had the best and worse week of my life.  Ok, maybe being a little bit of a drama queen.

What changed, what happened?  Why was this week so different from every other ADHD week?

Ever hear of Vitamin D?  Well, I need a large amount on a regular basis and had been forgetting to take it. (What?  Someone who is ADHD FORGETS SOMETHING?).  Well, I was getting so depressed, I couldn’t even get motivated to get out of bed.  I was getting oddly hungry, achy in my muscles, and on and on with the symptoms.  All signs pointed to my thyroid being inflamed.  Why do I take Vitamin D?  Because I have inflammation without it!  DUH!!!  Head palm moment.

I mega dosed myself and within three days felt back to normal.

Then, the hyperfocus kicked in.  I had been down and out for weeks, so when my brain was energized again, WOWEE!!!  I never felt happier!  I couldn’t wait to get to work!  I couldn’t wait to get up and tackle my 1800 projects!  I was in heaven!!

I think this was the worst case of hyperfocus I have ever had.  I couldn’t stop for almost 9 days.  I couldn’t sleep until late, I was going fullspeed and I felt like Superwoman!  I knew the crash was going to come, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Then, it hit yesterday.  I almost couldn’t wake up.  I wanted to stay in bed all day.  I wanted to just stare.  I had no thoughts in my head.  I felt awful, depressed, blue, lethargic.  My boyfriend has been reading more about being in a relationship with someone who is ADHD and he came over and made me walk to our little downtown.  We had a few beers, watched some football.  I felt better, however, I did not feel great.  Just a little bit better.

I did some looking up on the ole Internet.  I had some bad headaches yesterday and Friday.  Apparently, that is a part of the crash.  Huh, I apparently never noticed that before.

So, in trying to understand WHY does this happen?  I mean, really.  For so many of us to experience this on a very regular basis, it has to be physical.  I obviously pushed my brain so hard that whatever chemical I ate up, was gone by Friday afternoon.  Hence the headaches and depression.

So, today, I feel better.  I’m on the up swing again.  But, I’m trying something new.

I upgraded to Windows 10 (LOVE IT!) and am using Cortana (the Windows SIRI) to set reminders to pull me away from my ADHD journey and make sure my brain is switching gears.  I think that the NOT switching gears is part of it.  So, I’m mixing it up today with mental and physical type activities.  It’s annoying to say the least, LOL.  I completely forget I set a reminder and every time, I’m like..WHAT the hell is that?  Oh yea.  My reminder.  So far, it’s working nicely to keep me moving and preventing me from going to far in.

I would love to hear your methods of handling the crash!
Peace out Internet Friends.


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