Writing, ADHD, and Goals

The three things that drive me mad

My Life completely Changed


Here we are in September and I can honestly say I never thought I would be writing what has happened over the last few months.

I had been blogging a bit at the beginning of this year and then stopped.  Why?  Because I was in a very abusive relationship that caught me by surprise.  He ended up getting arrested for domestic violence from my house.

I was just fucked up in the head about that.  I got some counseling that really helped.

Then, 2 weeks later, I was laid off.  8 years.  Laid, the fuck off.

Did not see that coming.  At all.  None of us did.  A thriving company making billions a year having to do RIFs?  Yea, it makes no sense.

Turned 50 in May as well.

Wasn’t sure I was going to make it this far without succumbing to sucking my thumb under my desk for the rest of my life.

But, I did.  And now, I’m venturing into starting my own food trailer.   Yep.  Throwing down some significant cash and doing this.

We will also support domestic violence by having my trailer be a safe place for anyone who needs to come get safe.

Then, I decide to start a relationship with a male best friend.  This relationship has me questioning alot about how I have been in the past.  He is kind and adores me so much, he can barely stand not being near me.  But, his kindness and acceptance of me, has woken my brain up to how much I have been taken advantage of and that some people in my life who claim to be a friend, are not.

So, I have taken some verbal steps to remove them.  It felt good.

I never thought about purging the clutter of negative or abusive/user type people.   I’m learning to be stronger about my boundaries.  I’m learning to speak up for myself in my personal relationships.

Although being in a very abusive relationship for 11 months was very hard and nearly killed me, it made me stronger.

I will never let another human being treat me so poorly.

Peace Out.

 

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Update to Letting Go of the Fear of Death


A few weeks ago, I posted up about an amazing journey into confronting my Fear of Death and the subsequent Awakening I experienced.

On 2/18 – I posted about confronting the Fear of Death.
On 2/28 – I posted about an awakening.

Here we are on 3/15 and this is what has happened.

I have continued to explore how my father has had such an impact on my life and right now it breaks down into two areas:  My childhood and my adult life.

I didn’t have a horrible childhood as far as I can remember.  However, I spent all my time as a child looking for approval from my dad.  Somehow, this approval seeking behavior carried over into my adulthood, which has it good and bad benefits.

I started playing the piano and drawing and writing at a very early age, let’s say 4.  However, my father never seemed to be interested in these activities.  So, as I got older, I joined softball and bowling leagues.  My dad happily stepped in as a coach.  He never seemed to like my piano playing and so I took up the flute and joined a band.  My dad was a sax player in high school and so I must of thought as a child that a wind instrument would be more pleasing to my dad.  I was 1st chair nearly my whole 6 years, but my dad was still not interested.  I eventually gave up band in 8th grade, when I began my hard core rebellion years.

I now understand my rebellion years were about breaking free of my quest for approval from my dad by doing everything bad to hurt him.  I can honestly say I was awful from 13 to 17.  A nightmare teenager.

During these reflections, I have come to see that when I transitioned from child to adult, I continued the negative self talk I had developed to validate why my father was never proud of me and continued to suppress my creative musical, artistic and writing side of me.  Whenever, I would journey into one of these areas, I would remind myself that it’s just a hobby, I’m never going to be good enough.   Any education I would dabble in, I would remind myself that it’s a waste of time because I’m never going to be good enough.

These are not my words.  They are words I put into place to explain why my father never seemed to be proud of me.

So what has happened since 2/28?

I heard my music for the first time.  I was playing a Sonatina.  A piece I have been playing for 40 years. I finally FELT the must.  I heard the story behind the music.  I was amazed and overwhelmed.

I can hear the sounds in the background music on tv shows.  How simple it is.  How I could do that.

I spent 5K on a keyboard setup with studio speakers.  My boyfriend says what he hears me play from my inner soul is amazing.  And, I can say, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I have music that comes out of my hands.   I want to study music finally.  At 50.  I want to learn the harder chords, how does one create reggae or how does one create a song?  I want to know now.

I feel like I’m 4 again.

I feel like I have a 2nd chance at my true purpose.  I feel like I am reconnecting with my purpose.

What are the side effects of all this?

  • I’m doing what I want to do.  (Result of confronting Fear of Death)
  • I’ve let go of the negative self-talk about my artistic side (Result of Awakening)
  • I spent 5K (Result of Starting My Life)
  • I’m happier than I have ever been.  I’m not stressing about work nearly as much.  I find myself letting go of obsessing about the unfinished tasks and embracing my new found love of my music again.
  • I’m focusing on doing what I want because I want to and it’s working.  Things are getting easier to confront and handle.  The more I let go, the more the past is becoming visible to me again.  I can see moments where the actions of my father created certain feelings within me.

I was such an insecure little girl.  I sucked my thumb and wet the bed until 7th grade.  That certainly didn’t help my insecurities.  I am starting to understand why I was so insecure.  I am understanding how my entire life has been truly controlled by my quest for my father to love me.

He may love me, but he doesn’t even know my son’s last name.
He may love me, but he can’t say he’s proud of me.
He may love the person who he says is his daughter, but he doesn’t love ME.

Peace out my friends.

Awakening – The first one


WOW.

Not sure how to describe what is happening to me.

Ok, let me start over.

This quest to face my fears, this fear of death, fear of living.  The two are seriously intertwined.  You fear living because you fear death.  Everything you achieve while alive just goes away when you die.  The anxiety around what happens to my shit when I die was really getting to me.

This started when my step-mom died and her treasures, her things, everything that mattered to her was sold in an auction to strangers because her son despised her and she despised my dad for the divorce and hence me for being part of the divorce.  We were not allowed to help.

It saddened me.

It affected me.

Fast forward to having space to work on me.  I stopped alot of social activities and have been staying home really battling some inner demons.  I had a few months of Anger and Boredom.  As we know, those are not actually the emotions.  Underneath Anger and Boredom are real deep seated emotions.

And Fear.

So, I have been really allowing myself to dig into all this.  I mean REALLY DIG IN.

I realized that my entire life has been lived under the shadow of trying to please my father.  50 years of feeling like I’m living my life, I mean, I made these choices, so it had to my life, right?  Confusing ideas.

Something really freed in me last night.  My boyfriend reacted very poorly to something I said in a heated argument and he has chosen to hang on to the 3 words I said and immediately regretted.  I had responded negatively to his negative comment.   He is choosing to hang onto to those few words and let it direct his life.  I have seen this before in him and myself.  His day is ruined now because he NEEDS that anger.  He needs to put himself down to make himself feel justified for feeling the way he does.  This is the first time I got to see this with my new eyes.

I’m doing what I can to help him, but ultimately, it’s his choice on how he handles everything.

And do you know how good that feels?  To know that I am truly not responsible for him today.  I have apologized for the not kind words I said last night.  It is also when I realized that fighting was not in me anymore.  It was like the last fight I will ever have.  Probably not true, but I can tell you, I realized this:

Fighting is only because you need to be right.  If you are arguing with another person, you are fighting to be right.  If you are fighting all alone (like the boyfriend), hanging onto to something that wasn’t real, you have to be fighting against your emotions or your bad thoughts.  I don’t know.  But, you are still fighting to be right.

I let it all go last night.  I don’t need to be right anymore.  I don’t need to be angry.  Not anymore.  Now that I realize what a gift living in this body is.  What a gift going to the gym is, writing, eating, smelling, laughing.  It will end, this life of mine.  It will end one day.

So, why the hell should I spend one more moment being angry?

Peace Out Friends

Fear of Death or OMG, STOP IT


Last week, I started researching being bored.  Really gave that alot of thought and found my energy level coming up as I started to understand why I’m bored.

Like an onion, that we really are, my fear of death became overwhelming clear as I grasped the concept of No Life Goals = Boredom.  For some reason, that was the one that had the biggest impact to me.

But, back to this fear of death thing.   It’s fucking real as fuck.

Ever since I can remember, I have been painfully aware that our time will end here.  In my 20s, it was not such a big deal.  In my 30s, I was too involved in raising a kid, being in an odd marriage, living a hectic life in San Jose, CA complete with downtown condo, homeless people and heroin park, aka Cesear Chavez Park.  I had NO time to think about death, although it was always there, lingering like dust on your shelves.  You see it, but don’t have time to deal with it.

Fast forward to Me nearing 50.  Bring in the live-in boyfriend.
We have to talk about him for a second and you will understand why in a minute.

He is 10 years younger than me, but has lived more life than most people.  He has not had an easy life in that he got a felony when he was 17 for punching a guy out and ended up in jail for 6 months.  Our society RUINS people with felonies.  He cannot get normal work like most of us even still today.   This does something to a person.  You learn to live outside the norm.  THANK GOD FOR HIM.

He taught himself coding and used that skill to survive for 16 years.  It’s still hard because when you only have a client or 2, you are on the edge of survival ALL THE TIME.

He got into drugs off and on.  OF COURSE YOU WOULD.  It makes all the sense in the world to me.  I stay off drugs because I have a very responsible and very socially acceptable life.  I fit in.  He doesn’t.

OK OK, where I am going with all this?  Because of his life choices and situations, he has a very unique attitude.  One of freedom.  Freedom from what most of us need to keep in order to keep our homes, our jobs aka FOLLOW THE RULES OR ELSE.  He has been able to be himself with no repercussions.  Because of this, he enjoys life in ways I never saw anyone.  He is also damaged because he knows society does not approve of you.

He is also the first boyfriend that gave me so much freedom to be me without pressures of stalking or I’m here now, pay attention only to me and let’s get high or drunk.  He is so focused on his skills and making some cool web shit that he doesn’t have time to be worrying about me.  I finally could start digging into those things I have been hanging onto.

And it’s working.  During the last 6 months with him, I kicked out a very bad roommate, got the best raise EVER, the biggest bonus ever, more kudoos at work than ever before, refi’d my house to pull the equity out, stopped alot of bad habits and have found a personal strength I never had before.

And all this led to my fear of death.  It makes sense.  For the first time in my life, I am accomplishing more than ever and it’s fucking scary as fuck and I found myself obsessing about what would happen if he died?  Ever day I wake up thinking about what happens when I die?  These thoughts started taking over all my thoughts and although, I have remained very productive, it was overshadowed with this HUGE black cloud.

And I became bored.

Why bothering really trying when at the end of the day, I will no longer exist?  Why am I even here?  The questions were paralyzing.  This fear of death was the true cause of my boredom.

I read about near death/death experiences.  I read blogs on how others tackled this fear.  I walked away with a few thoughts:

1 – How can you fear something that no one really knows about?
2 – Every person who had a fear of death and overcame it, became free.  All of them said that their creativity began to blossom and grow so fast they didn’t even know what to do with it all!  OK, I may have over-exaggerated that last part, but you get the idea:  LIFE CHANGING.
3 – In order to overcome your fear of death, you have to mentally die.  You HAVE to walk the path of Imagine you died.  Imagine your family, friends, your stuff.  This is part of the fear.  I worked so hard for all these things!!
4 – Fear of death is very similar to the phrase:  I don’t have enough time.

I recently made a decision to STOP saying I don’t have enough time in the day.  It was hard.  I was feeling so overwhelmed with all the things I have to do.  It was paralyzing me.  I realized that the fear of death was doing the EXACT SAME THING.

I wasn’t enjoying my day at all, because why?  I wasn’t enjoying working and doing things because, well, why bother?  I’m just going to die.

Ok, what if I don’t die for 40 more years?  Am I really going to have to deal with these death thoughts for 40 years x 365 days?  OMG.  That alone is enough to make you want to blow your brains out.

I decided I have had enough.

We weren’t here before we were born.  We can’t expect to stay here forever.  If we all lived in these bodies forever, WTF?  The same people forever on this planet, never dying.  When you think about that, it really doesn’t make sense that we live forever in these bodies.

One blogger wrote that death doesn’t mean it’s an end, it’s a change.  AND WHAT DO MANY OF US FEAR?  CHANGE!

People with near death experiences who were clinically dead, say that they experienced a sense of peace and darkness.  Not a scary darkness, but more of like you are in a warm blanket of security.  The darkness makes sense.  We see colors with our eyes.  Without eyes, we see darkness but there are lots of other sensations.  This makes me think that without bodies, we could be in a different state of existence where vision is not real and that’s it’s not scary because our natural state of being is not being tied to a body.  We love our bodies and our things.  It’s almost like it’s a trap meant to keep us from enjoying life with the knowledge that at the end of the day, we lose EVERYTHING we worked so hard to get.

Whether it’s true or not, the fact is that we will transition from this life to something else and no one knows, so why fear it?

What has this done for me?

I can honestly say, it has already changed me.  I started an anonymous twitter account to finally be free to speak as I want to speak, to talk about topics that I want to talk about without the friends/family connection FB makes.  You just CAN’T be free on FB especially if you have co-workers.  How many people have been fired from their jobs for inappropriate posts?  I have lived in a bounded life controlled by society norms and FEAR.

I started this account and within 12 hours had 31 followers.  HOLY SHIT.  I have more followers in 12 hours on that twitter account than all my other twitter accounts combined together.

One final thought from one of the blogs I read.  When he really let go of Fear of Death, he started appreciating the here and now.  He found himself enjoying his day WAY MORE than ever in his life.

I am experiencing the same thing.  I am doing exactly what I want to be doing right now without guilt that I am not doing the things I’m supposed to be doing.  (Like what?  What am I supposed to be doing??)  And that is why Fear of Death is just like “I don’t have enough time.”  When your whole focus is on that you don’t have enough time in the day, the week, or your life, you are racing against an invisible clock and you will do the things you must instead of the things you enjoy.  And the things you must do, will be burdened with “this is stopping me from living my life”.

In the last 24-48 hours, I have accomplished more than in the last month.  SERIOUSLY.  Because I suddenly fucking love everything I’m doing and I don’t feel like I’m racing against the clock.  I suddenly don’t care of this clock.  I suddenly am just enjoying being alive in this body and in this life I have chosen.

And, I decided that I want to write for a living and that I love social media.  And that is exactly what I want to be doing.

Peace out friends.

Boredom, BOREDOM….Bored.


Let’s see, I’m ADHD and suffered from depression most of my life.  I’m perimenopausal so my estrogen is dropping thus dropping my serotonin.

YES.  I am a joy to be around these days.

I read too that you can develop a slight case of bipolar too!  This is going to be a great phase of my life.

These days as I approach 50, I find that I’m either bored or angry.  Look that up on the web and you will find half the world seems to exist in this state to a lesser or greater degree.

I have blogged about this before, so why I am blogging about it again?  Because HOLY SHIT, it has come back on so strong…this cycle of boredom and anger.

Many years ago, I went to a therapist (happens to be Val Kilmer’s brother, how cool is that?) because I thought I had a drinking problem.  He said, “You do not have a drinking problem, you are bored.”  That struck me hard.  It rang very true.  SADLY, it continues to ring true.  10 YEARS LATER.  UGH.

ADHD people need routine to be productive, but the routine is so boring.  SO DULL.  My routine over the last year has been work, go home, work, go home.  Filled with more work at home.  Needless to say, work has lost it’s excitement.  Same problem, different day.

Let’s expand out of my little world for a minute.

Kids eating tide pods, burning themselves on burners, hurting others, acting out, drinking harmful things, etc.  We are not alone in our boredom.  Everywhere I look, I see people bored.  Ok, I know not everyone is bored all the time and some people seem less bored than most, but overall, as a people, I think we are getting bored.

So, let’s jump right into this.  Here are some explanations of what boredom could be from this link:  National Post – Understanding Boredom

“Boredom is a state of stress.”  INTERESTING.  That could explain the cycle between being bored and then being angry or angrier than really necessary.   If I look at me, I am under extreme stress at work these days as my job has found me in a over allocated state.

“Boredom is about wanting to engage in some sort of satisfying activity, but being unable to … Something prevents you from being able to fully engage your attention”  OH GOOD ONE.  I like this one alot as it really speaks to ADHD and it really fits my situation.  I am really struggling to find that enjoyment in the things that I do.  The stress from the job, my boyfriend looking for work, trying to not spend money on going out, the ROUTINE.  It’s like no matter what I do, I’m always like, OK…just got to do this.  I lost the joy, therefore, I’m angry because I lost the joy in life.

This quote is the best one of ALL!!!
“When people don’t have articulated life goals or have a life goal that they can’t follow through on, that results in a more aimless, state of boredom.”
BINGO.  This hits the spot more than the other 2, but put all three together and I think we are onto something.

Let’s talk about my life goals.  What life goals.  OK, don’t get me wrong, Goals, I has them.  But, they are more like daily, monthly goals.  Get through my emails, clean the floors, get some letters out for the boyfriend’s business.  Find real estate to invest in.  These are typical goals that most people, I assume have in some fashion.  But, these are not life goals.

No, they are not.  No wonder I’m bored.

Contemplating this quote:  “Boredom tells us that our potentials are not being acted upon or our ability to connect with the world is being thwarted in some way” leaves me with this word:  WHOA.  Can I just say, FUCK ME.  It’s almost like this article was reading my mind, er rather…since the post is from 2012, was just waiting for me find this 6 years later.

I ALWAYS feel like I’m not at my potential.  Yet, I don’t know what that potential is that I’m not reaching.  GOD, no wonder I’m bored.  SERIOUSLY.  No wonder.

So, how do you start to address all this boredom and the reasons why?  The article doesn’t have the answers really.  It does say to STOP filling your free time up with games and checking emails on your phone.  Overstimulation creates boredom.   It recommends using time in line to daydream, think about things.  I do that alot already, that has not helped me.  So, that’s not my answer.

Now that I have been wowed by the insight from this article, you are probably wondering, What the Hell is she going to do?  VERY GOOD question.  I have some thoughts on this, but need some time to really contemplate these quotes.

Stay tuned to my follow up on post on this with my answer!

Peace out Friends.

A Click a day will keep the blues away


After my son moved out in June of 2016, I felt so lost.  One month prior, I had ended my 5 year relationship with a restraining order.  So, yea, I basically lost everyone that had been in my life.

What the fuck do you do at that point?  All your “relationship” plans ended.  Everyone in your daily life is just gone.

At the same time, I’m making more money than I ever have in my life.  So, what does a single girl do who doesn’t need a man to buy her dinner?  She parties.  Yea, I partied for like a year.

I completely fucked off a year of my life.

I drank, got high (it’s legal here! so don’t you gasp!), played alot of free poker at some bars, had a few one night stands, met alot of people 1/2 my age that seemed to think I was a goddess.

NOTE:  I did not hate that last part.  That was cool.

But, I knew that my temporary lapse into my 20s needed to end.  I DO have a career in project management and partying all the time would not help me grow.

That’s when I met current live-in boyfriend.  He has had to survive his whole life.  I mean, the man has never really had it easy until he met me and moved himself in.  Ok, yea, yea, I LET him move in.  Ok, back to my point.

Somehow this guy who has survived with no corporate jobs, never made much, no support from his family and never owned a home has managed to make it to 40 with all his teeth.  Well, mostly all his teeth.  Ok, so what?  It’s his attitude.  His drive.

I’m SO ADHD that sometimes I just hate it.  Mostly I love it.  But sometimes, too many thoughts, too many ideas, too many unfinished projects.  It really gets overwhelming and I know all of you know this feeling!

This is where he has helped me.  He says everyday, just do one-click at a time.  I know THIS of course.  But, I SUCK at doing it.   It got worse after my son left and I went a little crazy and was a bit irresponsible.  Well, now I have to undo the damage I did by partying for a year.

I dropped my routines, my habits.  I did only what I had to to get through the day.  I was losing hope.  I wasn’t depressed, just really bored with life.

So then I watch this guy who lived out of his van for a bit because he lost his client and eventually ran out of money.  He found ways to get money.  He stayed positive.  He found me.

I whine about my problems with my life.  He says, when you are broke and have no way to get money, then you have something to complain about.  FUCK ME.  He is so right.

Ok, I know I’m drifting away from my point, but you have to understand why I feel this guy is really on to something.

Just one-click at a time.  Don’t we all know this??  We do.  We totally know this.  But, do we do it consistently?  I know I don’t.  So, I keep those words in my head everyday.  It’s still really hard, but it really does work.

How has this changed my life?

1 – Personal Email – SO MUCH.  But, i just get in there and pick ONE email to do something with.  I usually end up getting rid of 100s by the time I am done.
2 – Work Email – SO MUCH.  But, with the just click one thing philosophy, I click the email and then I DO something with it.  FORCE myself.
3 – everything else in my life – I just try to get one thing done on my to do list.

Ok, look, I used to be so good at this!  But that year or so after my son left basically reset every good habit I had.  It has taken 6 months of hard internal work to get back my motivation to keep on with the tasks, my lost goals and my lost dreams.

But, let me tell you, it is worth it!  I am finding myself able to finally focus on top priority items and am checking things off my list, slowly, but surely.

Persistence will change that brain and will create those necessary habits that we ADHDers need to survive.

In closing, I feel that the challenges we have to overcome in order to NOT drive ourselves crazy, make us some of the stronger people in the world.  Never forget that.  You are stronger than you realize because of your ADHD superpowers.

Peace Out Friends.

 

Wow – it has been 2 years


OMG.

My last entry was April 2016.  Nearly two years ago.  TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO.

WHAT HAPPENED??

2016 sucked.  That is what happened.

It took all of 2017 and a new man in my life to help me recover.

May 2016:
Restraining order against my boyfriend of 5 years.   He had stalking problems and then when it was clear the relationship was heading towards IT’S FUCKING OVER like 8 months ago, he threatened to harm me.  Considering he had killed a family pet during his marriage…well, I wasn’t going to take any chances that he would continue to stalk me and do harm to my pets.

July 2016:
My son moved out.  WOW.  Who knew empty nest syndrome could be SO unsettling to your entire existence.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I WANTED him to go.  Be free! Be Free!!!  But, it was much harder than I thought.

Aug 2016:
A nasty person at work and unfortunately on my team, coupled with a tech lead who wanted to be the Project manager coupled with a new manager looking to make his mark all equaled a bunch of lies and a threat of HR…on me.  The new manager fueled the fire, backstabbed the group he is part of and encouraged this person to go to HR on me and the entire team.   On lies.  Yes, truly lies.  I was so shocked by the fact that I was removed as project manager with ZERO knowledge that something was wrong.  Shocked that management would do this on lies with no discussion with the team.  At the end of the day, management admitted they USED ME AS A SCAPE GOAT.  WTF.

In the end, the bad people got what they deserved.  Her boss was FIRED.  And she was encouraged to leave.

ME??  I was moved into a whole new department and have been doing great ever since.

However, it took about 4 months of doing nothing but hating my job, not trusting ANYONE where I worked and getting extremely high with an asshole for 4 months.   Ok, I didn’t KNOW he was an asshole at the time.  I was too emotionally devasted to notice anything.  (He had a little prostitute, gun, drug problem.  He wasn’t sleeping with them, he just thought he was their fucking pimp.  Seriously.  I’m so not joking.  Come to find out, he had been hiding guns in my house.  WTF.)

Sept 2016:  A friend died

Nov 2016:  My uncle died.

So, by the time December came around, I just couldn’t wait for the year to end.

2017:

Dumped the ugly old man I thought had my friend.
Took on the new role officially at work project managing hardware for our department.  I love it, BTW.  However, a year later, getting a bit bored.  We will talk more about that another time.

Met the love of my life.  Seriously.  July 3rd, 2017, this guy walks up to me and for a moment through my drunken haze, I saw an angel.  He moved in and it has become the most incredible relationship ever.  I know, it’s so sad that I won’t have any relationship drama to vomit all over the internet.  SO SAD.

I have never had such a loving man in my life.  He built me back up.  He tells me how amazing I am everyday.  He repaired all the damage from the Ugly Old Man.  He repaired the trust from the Stalker.  He is smart, talented, creative beyond belief.  And, my perfect sexual partner.  We hug and kiss each other alot, every day.  We say kind words to each other (not so much in a fight, we fight ugly), but those fights helped us work through nearly every piece of baggage.

I wanted to quit.  He wouldn’t let us.  And now?

2018 – Here we are!!!!
I refi’d my house.  THANK YOU POT for increasing everyone’s home value!  Not sure what I am doing with the money, have some ideas, just knowing though, that I can do something to improve my financial situation is HUGE.

Him and I have started a business together.  Well, it was his consulting business that has helped him stay afloat for 16 years, but now, he has a home base.  I want to get out of the corporate soul sucking world I live in so I am his marketing director.  I am having so much fun!!

Well, I will save my ADHD experience updates for another blog post.  Just wanted to reconnect with the internet…….

Happy 2018 friends.

Peace Out.

Procrastination and it’s not just for people with ADHD


Wow, had not realized 3 months have gone between my last post!!!  I feel like life is screaming by so fast, I barely have time to reflect anymore.  (note to self:  need to fix this!)

I found this TED talk on Procrastination and I really liked what this guy said:
Ted Talk – Procrastination (worth a watch).

So, I have a confession:  I have been lying to myself about procrastination.  Yes.  I have been lying.

I have been lying because I know a procrastinator who is way worse than me about things.  Thanks to being ADHD, I do actually manage to have alot of interesting things going on.

But, these things are not making me so happy anymore.  I continue to put alot of effort into my job, but reality is that it’s not actually netting me more money.  And that, my dears, is insanity.

So, I watch this TED talk, mostly for the Boyfriend of course, and realize that I was missing a key part of what procrastination is.

I always looked at procrastination as not making any effort at all (he does actually say that in his talk) and then, suddenly you panic.

I don’t actually exist that way.  I rarely have panic moments.  I do plan out work and accomplish things usually timely.  But, what he talked about was procrastination without deadlines.  DAMN.  That hit a nerve.

I have often recognized within myself that if I don’t have deadlines, I don’t tend to really accomplish anything.  Work has deadlines.  That makes it easy.  Miss deadlines, get fired.  Pretty much a no-brainer.  Ok, so goody.  Now, we have a name for this.  Procrastination.

What he didn’t go into was anyway to address it.  UGH.  He still struggles with procrastination.  So, no help there.

But, what do we do?  How do we deal with things that don’t have deadlines and drive us from fear of embarrassment or getting fired?  Where is the pressure in our personal lives to make these things happen?

I know I feel this way ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  Here are my 10 things I want to accomplish in my personal life that has no deadline at all.  Oh, I want to do these things today.  I can start the other stuff tomorrow.  And, in my own defense, sometimes I really do start those things, but maybe in a few months when I have time.  I have struggled ALOT with how to force myself to do the things in my life that have no deadlines.

Good news is that I’m far from alone.
Bad news is that I still don’t know how to fix this.

If anyone has some proven techniques, please share!
Peace out.

Welcome to 2016 – you better be good and Rituals for Living Dream Book


This is my 47th New Year.  I don’t remember the early years, but here we are again.

Making resolutions again.

Making commitments that I will be better, I will get more done, I will be blah blah blah

One more month later, goals, dreams, visions forgotten.  GOD.  I hate this cycle SO much.

But, I really mean it this year.  It’s been 4 years now that I have been embracing my super ADHD powers and I can honestly say that each year has seen personal growth that I never dreamed of achieving.

HOWEVER, I am still working the man, still living paycheck to paycheck.  If I was so damn successful in my personal life, I would not be living paycheck to paycheck.  I am tired of bending over and accepting my beating called “thank you master for my paycheck to get me through the next two weeks of my life”.

So, I found this book:  Rituals for Living Dream Book

WOW.  I have done a ton of these, of course.  I’m ADHD.  I live for this shit.  But, this one is truly different.  It approaches goals and dreams differently.  It’s subtle in how it gets you to think.  As you work through the questions, I find that my mind begins thinking about things differently.

For example, I was able to identify a more realistic timeline for my dreams that felt good and took the pressure off my brain, which was telling me I’m failing because it’s not happening NOW.

It also made me realize how much I still have to grow.

Once you get through the questions, there are pages upon pages to help you break these goals down in a way I have never quite seen done.  I’m pretty excited to get through this process and see if maybe this year, I will actually make some significant progress in my personal life.

If you buy this book, let me know how you like it.  I’m curious if others have similar reactions.

Peace out friends.

 

I’m an introvert and proud of it


Someone asked me at work a couple of weeks ago, “So, what are you going to be doing on your 3 weeks of vacation?  Going somewhere?”  I said, “HELL NO!!!  I am staying at home and reconnecting with myself.  I need some serious downtime.”

She said, have you ever considered that you might be an introvert?  I said, WTF?  I’m the most social person I know, LOL.  She said that you would be surprised what the definition is.

So, using my wonderful ADHD powers, I have researched this and lo and behold, I am an introvert!!  It helps explain that last little bit about me that never quite made sense over the last few years.

Is it because of the job and it’s increasing responsibilities?  Is it because I finally figured out that I am ADHD only 4 years ago?  Is it because of the internet and the constant need to explore every idea in my head?  Am I just weird?

I don’t know, but learning this has helped me immensely be more comfortable with my need to be alone.  My boyfriend is not like me.  He needs to be around people, gets lonely when alone.  I can’t get enough of it.  Every week, month and year seems to be worse as my mind grows with the challenges of my job and the ever growing online world.

OMG!!!  SO MUCH TO DO CONSTANTLY!!

I had made a new friend not so long ago.  We got along great!  Some weeks go by and she texts me and says, “I thought you would have wanted to see me and I thought we would have been spending more time together.”  Now, when I met her, I did tell her that I need alot of alone time.  I don’t think she got it and she took as I didn’t want to be around her.  Truth is that I am not going to reach out to you because I have so many projects to do at home!!  So many challenges to tackle in my job!

I think the combo of being an introvert and ADHD is either the worst or best combo…on the fence.

If you are an introvert, I found this page a good read.

People Talking about being an introvert

The parts about not being able to start a conversation is not true for me because I am so interested in other people.  The part about small talk, VERY TRUE.  I will quickly stop talking to you if the conversation doesn’t get a little deeper than “check out that weather, how about those Broncos?”

Anyway, I wanted to formally announce to the virtual world that I am an introverted ADHD woman and proud of me for sticking to what is true for me.

Peace out friends and Merry Christmas/Happy New Year!

 

 

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